Sebastian

I miss my dog.  I miss him so much more than I ever thought was possible.  I think about him everyday and some nights I even have dreams about him.  Just the other night I dreamt I was sitting on the couch and Sebastian came bounding into the room and jumped into my lap.  He licked my face and wagged his butt in excitement.  Then he laid down in my lap and just stared at me as if to say, "you're not going anywhere this time!  I'll hold you to this couch if  I have to!"   My heart was so happy.  I replay that dream in my mind over and over and over.  It felt so real.  I think I replay it so much because I'm afraid my memories will go fuzzy and I'll forget what he was like.  I'm afraid I'll forget his tiny, little face and soft, little head and chin.  The way he smelled like his coconut shampoo.  I'm afraid I'll forget how warm he'd make me when he'd snuggle up next to me.  Or how sweet he'd look when I'd catch him fast asleep with his head on my pillow in the middle of the night.  I'm afraid that with time and distance I'll remember him less and less and it'll no longer feel like he's a part of me.  

Now, here's what really breaks my heart in two -- I'm afraid that Sebastian will never forget me and he'll always be waiting for me to come home.  I can just see him sitting in front of the window, patiently waiting for me to walk through the gate.  I can see his little head cock to one side when he thinks he's heard the familiar sound of my car pulling in after work.  He always seemed to know when to be expecting us home.  I'm afraid I've left him feeling anxious and abandoned.  I fear that, as his human, I let him down.  

Jeez, I must sound insane to you people!  I mean, this is crazy, right?!  We're talking about a dog here!  ...Well, he was my dog.  He was the only dog I'd ever had.  I raised him from a tiny little fluff nugget 'til now!  And he's the sweetest, smartest, silliest, neediest, craziest, awesomest, most handsome dog there is!

Until recently, I could never understand the attachment people had to their pets.  But, I get it!  The struggle is real!  Dogs are people too!!  If Sebastian could read, or talk, I might send him a letter or call him on the phone and tell him this...

"I MISS YOU!!  I miss you following me around.  I miss you sitting at my feet in the kitchen while I cook.  I miss the way you'd stand up on your little hind legs, with your two front paws on the counter to check out what I was making, hoping to snag a little bite.  I sometimes catch myself stepping carefully around the kitchen so I don't trip over you.  I miss you waking me up in the morning.  I'm sorry I ever got annoyed with you and shrugged you away for five more minutes of sleep.  I miss you watching me get ready for work.  I miss our walks and throwing that damn ball about ten million times.  I miss the sound of your bark and the way you'd growl under your breath when you knew you weren't supposed to be barking.  I miss you taking my socks just so I'd chase you.  I miss watching you prance away with excitement because you had just scored the [mostly] empty peanut butter jar!  I miss hugging, snuggling, and kissing you!  I miss coming home to you.  I miss the way you'd howl to me when I got home, like you were trying to tell me all about your day.  I'm sorry I'm not coming home this time.  I'm sorry to keep you waiting.

I'm sorry I had to leave that day.  I'm sorry it seemed so sudden and at the same time so painfully slow.   I'm sorry you had to watch me pack up my things and take them out to the car one at a time until, eventually, there were just empty spaces where all my things had once been.  I wish I could have explained it to you.  It wasn't your fault, you weren't a bad dog.  You were the best dog.  You taught me a lot about love and patience and I am so lucky to have had you in my life.  I will always love you and I will miss you, and I know that time will heal this hole in my heart, but I will never forget you."